Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
For those that worship cheese..