[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
The dark side of Canada
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.