[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
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Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
britain’s three elite institutions
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
School be like
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left