[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
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*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.