*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
A little too much information.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
This week’s mood.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Children of the corn 🌽
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no