If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
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The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I think they could have phrased this better
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken