You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Holy shit he’s back
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.