You Might Also Like
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups