*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.
I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.
I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
God: kill your son
God: holy shit I’m jk
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[Texting with husband]
Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much
Me: awwww *you’re
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.