@Gupton68

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

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@CantWaitToNap

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

@seamusmckracken

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

@tsm560

Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.

@Nahdude83

I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.

@Vodkantots

I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

@neiltyson

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

@PaperWash

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

@divergentmama

[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re

@Brianhopecomedy

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.