*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”