*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
What a chick magnet..
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep