Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
*takes big toke of joint*
Waitress: Sir… that’s a burrito.
You Might Also Like
my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.
Me: Don’t let her know you’re a satanist
Her: So what do you do for fun?
Me: ???????? ???
???? ???? ????????
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Mechanic: you need a new carburetor
Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you
I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.