DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
What’s a Messi?
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
the three branches of government
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.