@JKickinit30

*takes big toke of joint*

Waitress: Sir… that’s a burrito.

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@blade_funner

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

@fart

my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

@SatansTongue

(First date)

Me: Don’t let her know you’re a satanist

Her: So what do you do for fun?

Me: ???????? ???
???? ???? ????????

@jerryRenek

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

@DecantAndPour

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

@jake_likes_naps

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

@KylePlantEmoji

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

@AbleLikes

My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”