*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
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WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
*puts cutlery down*
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“I wouldn’t.”