*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
This is painfully accurate 😅
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free