*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
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[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Cat is stressing him out.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Netflix and you sit over there.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.