@ThatBrenna

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

- @ThatBrenna

You Might Also Like

@jaycaspiankang

when we are all singing quarantine songs with our neighbors in 6 weeks or so, please remember good karaoke etiquette. No songs over 3.5 minutes, fully commit and don’t do the “haha I’m so bad” thing, and please avoid “total eclipse of the heart”

@truegritrumble

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

@daplusk

I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.

@Bluestmoon_

When someone shows you they don’t want to be a part of your life, let them go.

I’m not saying you can’t make a voodoo doll of them, though.

@wildethingy

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

@njlitigator

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

@leakypod

snape: how will we protect the stone

dumbledore: obstacles that only a powerful wizard could beat

snape: so like hypothetically 3 twelve year olds couldnt beat them

dumbledore:

snape:

dumbledore: i mean i hope not

@sacha_is_good

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

@schumyxxx

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.