*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
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I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
is it earth
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
These are too funny not to post 😂
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I don’t get marriage
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers