*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Practicing safe sax
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)