[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
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Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss