[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
marvel comics have peaked
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW