see you in hell you stupid fruit
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Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Sign of the day..
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*