@T_Bonezzz_

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

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@Jandalize

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

@aPunch2theJunk

I work with a guy named Rick.

I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”

@PColemanchester

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

@CYComedy

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

@liv_thatsme

I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.

@tsm560

Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it

I’m over it

@TheHyyyype

ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away

@MehrangizC

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

@TheBoydP

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit