*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.


I work with a guy named Rick.

I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”


Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.


Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi


This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.


I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.


Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it

I’m over it


ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away


On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?


If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit