He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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I work with a guy named Rick.
I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.
Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it
I’m over it
ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*
GUY: hey thanks
[we start talking]
[thirty seconds later]
GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit