Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
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The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.