@utofellatio
Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick
@BlindChow
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
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@utofellatio
@BuckyIsotope
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
@LikeABaus91
Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
@killingit06
It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The distance is staggering.
@TheHyyyype
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
@david8hughes
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
@AbbieEvansXO
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
@elunatyk
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
@patnspankme
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
@justokpanda
Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,