@Pork_Chop_Hair: When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it's sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he's all "Your Pap smear is normal, but please don't do that with your toes every time".

@TheMichaelRock: Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!

@SoulYodeler: Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin'? I come to watc-- Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

@13spencer: If the headline just read "Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead," news sites could reuse it over and over again.

@omgthatspunny: Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small