[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
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Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Become ungovernable.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman