@BlindChow

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

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@utofellatio

Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick

@BuckyIsotope

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

@LikeABaus91

Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

@killingit06

It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The distance is staggering.

@TheHyyyype

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

@david8hughes

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

@AbbieEvansXO

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

@elunatyk

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

@patnspankme

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

@justokpanda

Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,