[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
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It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
knights of the ikea table
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.