I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.