@PaperWash

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

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@joeldanger

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

@better_off_dad

I swear it’s like nobody who says ‘bite me’ actually means it anymore.

@TuffyNyC

“Instead of a 58 year old woman, I wanna look like a 28 year old shiny iguana” – Plastic Surgery

@iwearaonesie

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

@catcerveny

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

@UncleDuke1969

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.

@MrsMikePatton

New rule: You’re not allowed to be condescending unless you can spell it.

@PFitzpa

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.