*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

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Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.


I swear it’s like nobody who says ‘bite me’ actually means it anymore.


“Instead of a 58 year old woman, I wanna look like a 28 year old shiny iguana” – Plastic Surgery


How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*


Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?


When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.


I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.


New rule: You’re not allowed to be condescending unless you can spell it.


I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.