*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
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I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Geez man, take it easy.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Natty or not?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Spa day..😅
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
accurate
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.