*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.