couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship
gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-
me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
“The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole’s Law.”
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
If two people love each other nothing is impossible…
Except deciding where to eat.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.
I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I may seem put together until you see me ironing my sundress in my underpants 10 mins before someone is supposed to knock on my door