After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
You Might Also Like
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If I’m ever reincarnated I hope I get to be a bear because I’ll be like “stop playing dead, I used to be human. That shits not gonna work!”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.