@_davidlucas_

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

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@existential_d

couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship

gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-

me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito

@Sophie2078

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

@PleaseBeGneiss

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

@SuadShamma

“The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole’s Law.”

@upsidedowntrash

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

@One_FineMess

If two people love each other nothing is impossible…

Except deciding where to eat.

@DothTheDoth

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

@RandomManik

GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.

I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.

@tracietom

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

@okcallmejay

I may seem put together until you see me ironing my sundress in my underpants 10 mins before someone is supposed to knock on my door