GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
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“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”