uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*
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Him: Are you mad?
Her: No, I’m fine, why?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…
This is how I win fights too
I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so