*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*

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London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.


Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence


DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad


“You should go with the black one” I whispered from inside the clothes rack as she dropped both shirts and ran.




CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink


Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails


[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*


[Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?


If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership


I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer