@pippydrydocking

*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*

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@thomaswhitehead

London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.

@ProdigyNelson

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

@theguywitheyes

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

@OBiiieeee

“You should go with the black one” I whispered from inside the clothes rack as she dropped both shirts and ran.

FINE, GO WITH THE WHITE ONE

@TheToddWilliams

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

@waydybee

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

@AnOrangeSNES

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

@brynnester

[Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?

@Steelers1972

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

@MaraWilson

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer