*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
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[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Livid.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.