*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
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I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
SCARY COSTUME
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares