@Book_Krazy

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

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@Gupton68

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

@PhilJamesson

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

@Darlainky

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

@curlycomedy

If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.

@orange_rhymer

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

@Ochayethewu

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

@SortaBad

Ok No Loitering sign, let’s get one thing straight: the type of people who loiter are not the type of people who know what loitering means.

@SveldtSmelt

Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.