*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
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We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco