*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.


*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what


Her: your watch says you burned 500 calories at 3am? What the fuck were you doing?

Me: [ remembering I got high and was chasing a raccoon because I thought it was E.T]

I was cheating on you


my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon


[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”


If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.


[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex


Sad news. Just read that the world scrabble eating champion has passed a Y.


Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.


me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.