@envydatropic

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

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@CrisMtzgr

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

@fishbowel

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

@ilovepie84

Her: your watch says you burned 500 calories at 3am? What the fuck were you doing?

Me: [ remembering I got high and was chasing a raccoon because I thought it was E.T]

I was cheating on you

@scumbelievable

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

@david8hughes

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

@RunOldMan

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

@KeetPotato

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

@GlennyRodge

Sad news. Just read that the world scrabble eating champion has passed a Y.

@ObscureGent

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

@mortimermaiden

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.