*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
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Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.