*Cop yells at dog*
LADY WHAT ARE U DOING
*dog continues to give birth*
THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR
*looks directly at camera*
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…