@Bob_Lesh

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

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@space0tter

*Cop yells at dog*
LADY WHAT ARE U DOING
*dog continues to give birth*
THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR
*looks directly at camera*
LITTERING

@Smooheed

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

@rachann79

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

@dog_feelings

the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me

@ellewasamistake

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

@Thee1_4U

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.

@junejuly12

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…