If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*
Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*
SG- Those aren’t your pants
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In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must’ve been in the bathroom
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“How many likes?”
“You’re a goner.”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Reward me for consistency please
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I brought a hot glue gun to the gun range and it was awkward at first, but now we’ve created so many memories.