*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise