@ABurgerADay

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

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@GeorgiaSweet20

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

@SNStone

Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.

@manda_tee1

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.

@afloodofblood

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

@broken_rhi

me, an extrovert: don’t scare the introverts don’t scare the introverts don’t scare the introverts

introvert:

me: HI!!!!

introvert: *runs away screaming*