*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.