*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery