*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin