*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
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People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.