*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

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5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He’ll be sad that I abandoned them!

Me: Want to call him & apologize?

5: You don’t have his phone number.


“i said make him fetch”
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet


[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma


Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.


If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says “LMAO,” it stands for “let’s murder Albanians overseas” and he wants his daughter back.


God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*



I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.


The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.