5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He’ll be sad that I abandoned them!
Me: Want to call him & apologize?
5: You don’t have his phone number.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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“i said make him fetch”
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says “LMAO,” it stands for “let’s murder Albanians overseas” and he wants his daughter back.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.