@geowizzacist

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

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@Sal0630

Sorry I started singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the accountability meeting, but you said “easy come, easy go” so I just ran with it..

@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

@treydayway

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

@Iwriteforcats

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

@Mike_Bianchi

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

@MichaelTrying

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

@Home_Halfway

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

@nishadtrivedi

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.