*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee