*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
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Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Vodka burrito was a success
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
liiiiiiiiike
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.