[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55