[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear
Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..
Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!
om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!
Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me: hey stop for a sec
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)…killing it
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Pizza is like racism. America didn’t invent it, but it’s hard to find a country that does it better.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
It is 2022. Everyone has bought a pair of beats by dre. Doctor dre chuckles, his mind control device is ready