@sofarrsogud: [Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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@Parkerlawyer: *camping* Son, "What's the wifi password?" Me, "We're communing with nature, get off your phone." Son, "Does communing have two m's or one?"
@DiscoFruit: [dies and goes to hell] me: "mom? dad!? what are you doing here!" dad: "we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."
@theshamingofjay: My son just said he doesn't like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood