[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

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[Magician Convention]

Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear

Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..

Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!

om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!


ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David


[being murdered]
Me: hey stop for a sec
Murderer: what
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)…killing it
[murdering intensifies]


“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider


*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider


Pizza is like racism. America didn’t invent it, but it’s hard to find a country that does it better.


Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.



Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks


It is 2022. Everyone has bought a pair of beats by dre. Doctor dre chuckles, his mind control device is ready