*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
One of the best
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
🤣🤣🤣
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?