@Darlainky

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

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@Jesssicle

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

@Stella1070

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

@KeetPotato

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

@roxiqt

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

@AndrewChamings

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

@PFTompkins

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

@Contwixt

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

@JimmerThatisAll

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

@cervixsmash

Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet