*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
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“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?