I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
*takes personality test*
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The joke is on you, fruit flies. We don’t even have any fruit.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…
…and everything seems to be in order here.
*falls down/passes out*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.