@DanMentos

*takes personality test*
*fails*

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@pleatedjeans

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

@LaniBeno

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

@Milariou

I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

@leechee420

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

@shkeeber

I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…

…and everything seems to be in order here.

*falls down/passes out*

@slyoung5

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

@__MICHAELJ0RDAN

Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.

@Lhlodder

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

@StymieBrewer

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.