*takes personality test*

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I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves


I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.


I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.


Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.


I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…

…and everything seems to be in order here.

*falls down/passes out*


A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.


Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.


My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!


Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.