Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
You Might Also Like
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
The game has officially changed 😎
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?