*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

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“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets


If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.


It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.


I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.


When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.


I’m very funny when I’m not sobbing hysterically I’ll have you know


Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.


yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.


To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.