@mommy_cusses

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

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@stephenjmolloy

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

@mdob11

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

@heidiknits

Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.

Don’t forget your birth control, friends.

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

I’m far less concerned with who let it out, and more curious as to why the cat was in the bag in the first place?

@kirbys4losers

I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.

@theroyaltramp

When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.

*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.

@simoncholland

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

@WorkingMom86

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

@ZiziFothSi

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall