@mommy_cusses

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

You Might Also Like

@McNarstle

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

@SCbchbum

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

@themorris23

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

@BookisherBunny

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

@minkpinkustink

I’m very funny when I’m not sobbing hysterically I’ll have you know

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

@datassque

yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

@mrsauntiepam

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.