Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.