I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
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When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If snakes were wide
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.