*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.