Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you’re smart and don’t go.
Autocorrect, no matter how many times I tell you, I don’t want anyone’s duck in my can’t.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.