I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Your internet girlfriend is getting yelled at by his wife right now.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!