@WICKEDTRUTH01

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

@juliussharpe

I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”

@TheWinegasm

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

@JessObsess

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

@Smooheed

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

@NotJPo

Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you’re smart and don’t go.

@DebasaurusRex

Autocorrect, no matter how many times I tell you, I don’t want anyone’s duck in my can’t.