@WICKEDTRUTH01

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

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@CatherineLMK

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

@creamygoodness_

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

@mortimermaiden

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

@Eightinchgoat

Your internet girlfriend is getting yelled at by his wife right now.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

@bobvulfov

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

@Zin5ki

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

@hamersauce

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

@krustythe_klown

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!