Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Rollinintheseat

When you’re talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.

@kumailn

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa” – the soundtrack to every Middle Eastern scene in every Hollywood movie.

@Donnie_Fairburn

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

@NoogsCorner

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

@torrami

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

@callmeEvian

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

@JudahWorldChamp

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

@sofarrsogud

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

@WineyBeach78

Spread me apart, lick, & enjoy my cream!

~Oreos, you pervs