When you’re talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
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“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa” – the soundtrack to every Middle Eastern scene in every Hollywood movie.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
Spread me apart, lick, & enjoy my cream!
~Oreos, you pervs